Voiceful 5th
Voiceful 5th
(Original Voiceful from Nawoko)
~~~~~~~~
Kanae woke up slowly. It was a calm morning, there wasn’t any sad dream she could remember. The morning glow could only make her remember the deep relief she had had a few days before. She only had relief in her heart in the morning thanks to her goddess.
Hina, the mythical diva, the beautiful voice which had been heard over the internet since a long time; and who hade made her first radio appearance a few days before.
She was not mythical at all for Kanae, as she had met her goddess numerous times. They became friends in a soothing relationship. They were both suffering a lot in life, but the storms in their souls stood at rest when they met. And since that last time they had met, when Hina went live in a radio show, they had been both able to see light shining through the darkness, and see each other. The storms were slowly pulling themselves out from their hearts.
Even if she felt emotionally naked in front of her, Kanae still wanted to see Hina again, she always did. Even if she was shy because of a very large anxiety, she had a complete trust in Hina, which had been almost a faith for months. And today was a festive day, she would meet her again.
Kanae chose the clothes she had put on the last time they had met. She was reluctant at first, because she didn’t want to look like she had nothing else to wear. But that was almost the case, and Hina had appreciated the dress before, so Kanae dressed herself with it anyway.
She walked down the stair, passing by the kitchen where her mother was. She was not hungry, but couldn’t help slowing her pace while looking at her mother. She could see her mother again, and that was something new too.
Not that her mother had left, recently; but Kanae had lived secluded for a long time. She hadn’t been able to go outside for many months, maybe years. And Kanae had not been able to look at her mother’s face at all during all that time. She had not talked to her at all during all that time. And still, the truly kind woman was always caring for her daughter, despite the months of silence. She was always there for her.
She knew something was changing, in a good way, since Kanae had been going out a lot a few weeks before. And the last time she had come back home, Kanae had looked at her face.
Kanae was slowly seeing her mother through the darkness, but she wasn’t yet able to talk to her. They looked at each other for a second and Kanae left. She was going out to meet her goddess once more. Starting to walk outside, she felt a little lighter. She was on her way and the fresh air was like her mind, clearer than ever. She liked that thought. She was looking forward to spend some time with Hina again, to hear her beautiful voice directly.
Kanae had survived, and gained enough courage to go outside again thanks to her songs. But now she wanted more, and still felt a little selfish about it. She wanted to see her again, and again. Even if she had no clue what to talk about, she wanted to talk with her. Even if she had no clue where to go, she wanted to go there with her. She wanted to build a relationship, to strengthen it. She liked Hina a lot and was forever grateful toward her.
She wanted to offer something, anything, but had no idea what she could give to express her feelings. And thinking about it always made her remember what happened when they first met. Although Hina had appreciated the strawberry Daifuku, Kanae was still shameful about that.
Kanae tried not to think about her troubles with gifts to focus on her main goal. Her date. She was anxious as usual, but had great hopes. She felt like she was almost floating above the ground.
~~~~~~~~
Hina was waiting at the usual café where they had spent time numerous times chatting. When she was on a date day with Kanae, all she could think about was the present time. Her painful past was getting blurry, and the storm in herself getting calmer. With her work as a singer now recording and going further in her carrier, she had a lot coming up and was always busy. However everything was getting calm on these days. They were important times to her too, they were precious moments.
She giggled at the thought that while working, she was always looking forward to these times, as would a student to his next holidays.
There were barely any client in the place at this morning hour, so everything was quiet, making it an even more relaxing moment. Usually, or rather before, waiting alone would have been an awful thing, when her painful emotions would have stormed over her. But it had become the opposite, and it was a wonder she had to thank Kanae for.
Kanae was not someone with great charisma, she was not really at ease when talking. And because of that, or rather because of who she was, she often told what she felt with an impressive frankness. And many times, her outspoken emotions had touched Hina.
Hina could recall a few things Kanae had said that were deeply meaningful, even if the words were the simplest. More than charming her, they had been curing her from deep suffering, a way she had never dreamed of. She wasn’t expecting another bright emotion to come suddenly and clean her from every dark thing within her; but she was grateful for the major burst in the painful dust these few simple words had triggered within her.
Hina felt she could cry, just thinking about that sweet innocent thing Kanae had said to her on the time they had accidentally first met.
She smiled, as she was then remembering the most precious memory of her life. Maybe not the most important in size or responsibility in what she was, but the dearest of all.
She saw Kanae coming close and waved slowly at her. She was happy and her heart started to pound a little more.
Kanae entered the café with her usual shy movements, but always with that bright expression on her face when looking toward Hina. Her face always kept saying « you saved my life », over and over. That emotion could not vanish so easily, since Kanae truly felt it, even if she had not expressed it yet.
Kanae was sorry for being late and expressed it before anything else. Hina smiled kindly and told her she wasn’t at all. It was true, Hina had arrived before Kanae, but both of them were early. Both had been looking forward to that moment.
Ka«- I’m sorry...
Hi- Don’t be, it’s all right.
Kanae pulled her chair to sit down and stood there a moment, her hands hidden on her lap. Hina understood she was still feeling shy about their last time together after the radio show. Kanae had expressed a deep sorrow, and even if Hina had been understanding, something heavy was still there.
Hi- Kanae, how have you been?
Kanae was always feeling something hard to describe when she heard Hina’s voice directly, more than on a record. It was fuelling her with life somehow. If the sound was something incredible, what she could see was something meaningful to her too. Just in front of her was the person she valued most.
She wanted to answer she was fine, but the words coming naturally from her were slightly different. She couldn’t say what she wanted spontaneously, because it wasn’t really true or meaningful to her.
Ka- I’ve slept well lately... Hum, I mean...
Hi- Eh, that’s nice.
Hina was smiling as if she had heard something wonderful. She was herself surprised to enjoy that much a short talk like that. Kanae was still anxious over something however.
Ka- Hina, do you... Will you still have some time so we could see each other?
Hina had a brief expression of surprise.
Hi- Of course... And it’s too soon to schedule it yet, but I would like it very much if you could come to my next broadcasting.
Ka- I will come!
Hi- Thank you... For that, and also for coming the other day. I was able to do it because you were there for me you know.
Ka- I was worried. But I was selfish actually...
Hi- That’s not true. You felt something hard, but you’re not selfish Kanae. You came for me again today, and I’m glad you care about me.
Kanae started to sip the juice that had just been brought to her. Hina had ordered her usual when she was still on her way. A small quiet moment. Hina looked outside at the sunny weather over the city. She was daydreaming about something nice.
Hi- Kanae, I’m thinking about taking a full day off work next Sunday. Would you like to come with me somewhere?
Kanae wasn’t expecting that. She was barely used to their usual dates of a few hours at most, so a full day was scaring her. She had not spent a full day outside since as far as she could remember. Her heart was pounding with mixed feelings.
Ka- I would love to, but that scares me.
Hi- Why that?
Ka- Because, I’m a shut-in... It’s hard for me to stay outside for a long time. I rarely go to school. And a whole day with someone, it’s...
It would be even more stressful than a whole day outside. Hina was not a people person either and could understand that. Hina thought of something.
Hi- How much time can you manage to spend outside currently Kanae?
Ka- Hum. Three hours, maybe four...
Hi- I remember you found the courage to go out thanks to my songs.
Ka- Yes...
Hi- If I were to sing you something, how much time would you gain?
Kanae thought seriously about it. Hearing a live song from Hina was a dream. How much would it appease her anxieties and fears if it were to happen? She imagined herself in that situation. It seemed to her it would reset all darkness...
Ka- I think I could hold for another four hours... But spending so much time together, I would be bothering you...
Hi- Don’t worry... Is there a place you’d like to go?
Kanae had no idea. She felt a little lost for a moment. Hina was suddenly pulling her and it was making her uncomfortable.
Ka- The only places I know are my room and the nurse office at school...
Hi- I can’t go to your school, moreover on a Sunday. However...
Kanae opened her eyes slightly wider when she understood what Hina meant.
Ka- You want to see my room?
Hi- Well, it’s a little early to spend a long time outside together; so we can start with a place you’re more at ease in. If you agree, yes I would like to see where you live. And I don’t have to stay the whole day, okay?
Kanae’s room was a large part of her life and the place where she both suffered less but a lot of time. It was more than just a place and the meanings it held for her were quite heavy. It had become almost half her body. Showing it was somehow like undressing, and deeply embarrassing.
Ka- It’s embarrassing... My life there is shameful...
Hi- Because you’re a shut-in?
Ka- Yes. And there is my mother too...
Hi- You never told me about your mother before. Is there something about her?
Ka- I don’t talk with her, and I would need to introduce you.
Hi- I see...
Ka- Oh, but it’s not like she’s mean to me or anything! Actually she’s kind and...
Hi- Don’t worry, I didn’t think about that.
Ka- But Hina, why would you want to spend that day with me?
Hi- Because I want to spend time with you, and soothe some of the hard times I had before.
Ka- I want to spend time with you...
Hina was always smiling kindly.
Hi- Thank you Kanae. You know, I can take my day off another week, so there is no hurry. And I would still like to see where you live.
Ka- Why do you want to see it? It’s not really a pleasant place...
Hi- Well, because I like you. Also, seeing things with you doesn’t change how much I enjoy talking with you... It adds things. Hum, I can’t really explain it...
Ka- I understand. Hearing your voice is something dear to me; and since we started seeing each other, seeing you has become something different that has become important too...
Hi- Exactly. And I appreciate you coming dressed for me again.
Kanae didn’t dare to talk about her worries regarding the dress, she was just glad of the few words of appreciation.
Hi- Anyway, I would like to keep our usual dates. I’ll keep time for it, even if I can’t promise you it will be really regularly.
Ka- Oh, I don’t mind! I’m just glad I will see you again.
Hi- Me too... »
~~~~~~~~
Their date time reaching an end, they separated outside the café. Hina and Kanae were both feeling blessed and comforted by that time they had spent together, just chatting. Although Kanae was worn out, she was truly happy spending that morning with Hina, and went home with a nice feeling still in her mind. Also on her way home, Hina’s sweet feeling was not vanishing easily either. Hina felt as if her head was somewhat lighter.
Hina had work to do for the rest of the day, but she had now enough energy to do it two days straight without sleep. It was not a bursting energy like anger, it was something calmer, quieter, but far more powerful. With a gentle smile and slow movements, she was ready to do everything she would need to. That was a growth in self confidence, thanks to Kanae. Kanae had always been there for her... Hina was thinking over it again, and that was true. She was something else than just a fan, or a believer, and their bond was far more valuable, and important.
On her way, Kanae had lost almost all her energy for the day, but as if she had spent a long time doing a sport she liked, it was a kind of exhaustion she would not mind. It had no resemblance to the tiredness coming from despair. She made it to her home walking slower and slower, but still happy from the morning that had just happened. She felt that a large part of her huge anxiety had been ripped off before disappearing in nothingness. That was a weird kind of relief, but it meant hopes were rising again. All thanks to her goddess light.
Kanae wiped some tears coming naturally with the feeling of relief and opened her front door.
Her mother came out of the living room to welcome her back. Kanae was tired and wanted to let herself fall onto her bed, but there was something else rising. Her mother saw that she was struggling with something she wanted to do but was unable to. She said something kind, so that her daughter didn't have to worry too much about it. As she was opening her the way toward the stairs, Kanae started to climb them, but stopped after a few steps. She felt a warm anxiety and blood rushing to her face as she was preparing herself to talk.
Ka«- Mom... I would like to invite someone... Can I?
- Kanae, of course, any time you want. A friend of yours? »
Kanae wanted to say yes but was unable to do so. Hina was something brighter than what she would have called friends. But introducing her as a goddess would be awkward. So how could she call that relationship?
She could not find the answer, and apologized quickly. Kanae had been far beyond what she could usually do and was exhausted. Her room was always a little dark, but she didn't mind as she needed to sleep.
It had been one of the happiest and longest days of her life, even if it was only noon outside. She fell quickly asleep.
~~~~~~~~
Hina entered what was her home with slightly different feelings, but they were sweet too. Her friend Hiru was almost like her adoptive mother, although she was not even ten years older. Hina had lived with her for a few of those years, as she had nowhere else she would be willing to go. Hiru took her in when they met, and Kanae didn’t leave what had become her real home. Her painful past was still close to her, and she could not just forget everything, but that time spent with Kanae was making all memories look different. Or rather the painful emotions coming from these were softened.
It was something she couldn't fully understand but appreciated greatly; Kanae helped her get some relief, but furthermore she helped her soften the storms deep inside her heart.
When Hiru saw the soft smile Hina was wearing on entering, she could understand right away where she had been, and who she had met.
Ru«- Seems it was a good morning.
Hi- Hi Hiru. Yes, it was.
Ru- You look like you could fall asleep any time now however. Was it tiring?
Hina had indeed some strange expression over her face, as if she was falling asleep happily. Hiru found it amusing.
Hi- I look like that? I'm rather ready to work actually. I gained some confidence.
Ru- You were still worried?
Hi- Somehow yes, because... It's changing within me. And I'm not sure to know how it will turn out. I'm glad she made it go the right way. It’s like seeing her shows me a way.
Ru- I see... Well, as long as you don't get lazy because of her, I don't mind.
Hi- I don't think she could do that. She's quite courageous too, and I believe she does her best to overcome the hardships life has put on her way.
Ru- Is that what you wanted when you told me you wanted to connect with people more directly?
Hina was surprised at the question, but Hiru was simply curious.
Hi- A part of it yes... That was after our first encounter that i realised there was... How to say it...
Ru- Hope?
Hi- Yes. Like a light in the night. So I needed to connect more to write my songs, but I also wanted to get closer to that in the end.
Ru- And it’s a bliss it seems.
Hi- It’s changing me, inside...
Ru- You’re still smiling you know. Be careful you’re drooling.
Hi- Ey! »
Hiru was laughing. She was a little jealous of the effect that Kanae could have on her friend, but she was mostly glad for her. She was cheering for Hina. A moment after Hiru’s departure, Hina only had to wipe a few tears before starting to work. The tears had waited that moment where she was beginning to work again to come. She was seeing hope through it.
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Lussh 29/03/2011
